Brian and I just went on a date and it had me thinking about dating after marriage. A few disclaimers before I dive into this topic. I acknowledge there are many wonderful people who have been married a lot longer than we have that have amazing thoughts on this. I also have a tender spot for those who aren’t married, those who are navigating the ups and downs of dating before marriage, and those in a hard marriage. There is no perfect person, couple, marriage, or family.
Having been married nearly a decade has felt short and long at the same time. As the years go by, it gets harder to remember life without Brian. We never set out with a specific schedule for dates. It averages to about once a month. We do try to get babysitters and are grateful for family, couples from church, single gals, or swapping with friends. If no one is available, we’ll put the kids to bed and order take out or have a fun dessert.
Brian’s never really been one to ask detailed date questions or follow a book. I’d probably be really into that, but have come to really enjoy dates being laid back and more organic. Because I was in kids ministry for a long time, constantly thinking about curriculum and family discipleship, I think I pictured more structure. For example for family devotions, everyone sitting down, reading a book, memorizing Scripture together, and taking turns praying. I think there can be seasons for that, but most of the time it looks like saying some verses haphazardly around the breakfast table or on the go in the car. What’s interesting is I don’t know how our evening rhythm happened. We never decided let’s do this evening routine. It kind of happened spontaneously. Our 7 year old, James, has recently gotten into reading this past year and wanted to read “his” book of the Bible, James. So we started reading through that slowly in the evenings. After finishing that, I was reading through the Psalms earlier this year and James wanted to join in. Either James, Brian, or I read through a Psalm or part of one, and it’s been cute and hilarious as Ella “pretends” to read her Bible. We might share our favorite part of the day. Then one of us prays (we’ll ask and many times the kids don’t want to and that’s ok). We love praying for missionary friends and have their pictures on a weekly calendar board so we pray for a group of them each day of the week (2 of our missionary friends were in town this past week and it was the best seeing them and our kids recognize their faces as the ones we pray for). Then we sing Jesus Loves Me and do some tackle hugs. It’s not perfect, but it’s simple and we have come to love the consistency of doing this 5-10 minute routine before bed.
But, I digress. I think we’re still figuring out what we like for dates. Sometimes just having uninterrupted conversation during dinner is wonderful. Or silence in the car on a drive just being with each other. Anyone who knows Brian, knows he’s not a big talker, but he is a great listener and when he does speak it’s usually worth listening to. Whether it’s his quick humor or something he’s thought about for a little while. We joke that I might ask or process something with him and he’ll get back to me in a few days.
We are foodies and enjoy trying new places. We also like doing something active that might be a little harder to do with kids. This past weekend we went and rode the new Six Flags roller coaster, Tormenta (crazy!) and went climbing at the rock climbing gym. Then we got to use a gift card given by a friend at a fun French place called Rise. And of course we had to get boba tea afterwards. This time we did ask each other some questions I had heard suggested by a pastor…name 3 ways we had blessed each other this past month and 1 way we could bless each other more (to which Brian asked, “Is that a nice way of saying in what way do I suck?” 😆). We liked this and I think we’ll try it again next month. I wrote our answers down in my notes app on my phone and it will be fun to look back at each month’s answers.
All this to say, there’s no formula, but I think still pursuing each other after marriage is a gift. “And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 5:2
